Based on insights from Lee Harrington's professional development workshop for therapists, "Understanding Age Play and Adult Babies" recorded December 2024 in partnership with Expansive Education for the Understanding Sexual Diversity Series. For more information about Lee, visit https://passionandsoul.com/.

In our course, educator Lee Harrington introduced a crucial distinction for therapists to understand: the difference between "role-playing" and "role-being" in age play experiences. This distinction represents one of the most significant factors in how clients experience age play and can dramatically shape appropriate clinical approaches.

The Role-Playing vs. Role-Being Spectrum

At one end of the spectrum, age play exists as a conscious, temporary activity—something a person does rather than something they are. At the other end, age-based identities represent core aspects of self that feel more authentic than adult personas. Most age players fall somewhere along this continuum, though their position may shift over time or in different contexts.

Role-Playing: Evoking a Character

For many individuals, age play involves deliberately taking on a character or persona:

• The person consciously chooses when to adopt younger mannerisms, speech patterns, or behaviors

• They maintain clear awareness of the distinction between this role and their adult self

• They can easily step in and out of their age play role based on context

• The role feels like something they do, not something they are

• They may describe this as "playing" a little, a baby, or another age-based role

In role-playing, the person experiences a clear separation between their everyday self and their age play persona. They might describe this experience as "putting on a costume" or "playing a character"—something they enjoy but don't identify with as core to their being.

Role-Being: Invoking Core Self

For others, age-based identities represent something much deeper and more fundamental:

• The age identity feels like an authentic expression of core self rather than a character

• The adult persona may feel more like the "performance" or "mask" worn for social functioning

• The person may experience their age identity as their true self

• They may describe being a little or an adult baby, rather than playing one

• The experience may feel less like a choice and more like revealing their authentic self

As Harrington noted, J Baby (Justin Tomlinson), the first adult baby to hold a title within the leather, BDSM, and kink community, articulates this experience powerfully. For J Baby, being an adult baby is his authentic self, while his adult persona is the "costume" he uses to navigate professional and social environments. As he explained in an interview: "Superman is the real person. Clark Kent is the persona that he uses to get through society." J Baby hopes his workplace never discovers that he "actually is a baby"—not that he sometimes plays one, but that this represents his core identity.

Clinical Implications of This Distinction

Understanding where your client falls on this spectrum has significant implications for therapeutic approach:

Assessment Considerations

When working with age play clients, consider exploring:

• How they describe their relationship to their age identity (something they do vs. who they are)

• Whether they use language like "my little self" or simply "I am a little"

• How they experience transitions between age states

• Whether they see their age identity as a separate part of themselves or their authentic self

• How integrated or separate their age identity feels from their adult functioning

The answers to these questions help determine appropriate therapeutic frameworks and goals.

Framework Selection

Different therapeutic frameworks may be more appropriate depending on where a client falls on this spectrum:

• For role-playing clients: Approaches that address age play as a meaningful activity or interest may be most appropriate, similar to how you might work with someone deeply engaged in other significant life activities.

• For role-being clients: Frameworks that acknowledge identity integration may be more effective, potentially drawing from approaches used with other identity-based experiences. For these clients, attempts to "treat" their age identity as merely a behavior to modify may be harmful rather than helpful.

Potential Complications

When age play represents core identity rather than role-play, certain clinical situations require special consideration:

1. Relationship dissolution: When age-based relationships end, clients who experience "role-being" may face a double loss—both the adult relationship and what feels like a parental/caregiver relationship. This can create a complex grief experience that differs from typical relationship dissolution.

2. Identity concealment: Living with a core identity that must be concealed in most contexts can create significant psychological strain, similar to other concealable stigmatized identities.

3. Integration challenges: Clients may struggle with integrating their age identity with adult responsibilities, particularly if they experience their age identity as their "true self."

4. Diagnosis considerations: For clients whose age identity feels like core self, clinicians should be careful not to pathologize this experience merely because it differs from societal norms.

When Core Identity Becomes Problematic

While identity-based age play isn't inherently problematic, Harrington did note circumstances where clinical intervention might be appropriate:

1. Functional impairment: If a client cannot maintain employment, relationships, or self-care because of their age identity, therapeutic support may be needed to develop functioning strategies.

2. Personal distress: When age identity causes significant personal distress beyond societal stigma, exploring the sources of this distress may be beneficial.

3. Non-consensual expression: If age identity expression occurs in contexts where others have not consented to participate, boundary work becomes important.

Finding Balance

For many clients who experience age identity as core self, the goal isn't to "fix" or eliminate this aspect of identity, but rather to:

• Find healthy integration between different aspects of self

• Develop strategies for appropriate expression in different contexts

• Build supportive relationships and communities

• Address any co-occurring distress or functional impairment

• Navigate societal stigma and discrimination

Clinical Perspective

Dr. Rhonda Lipscomb, author of "You're Not Broken," notes that most of her adult baby clients—even those who experience this as core identity—can effectively navigate between their age identity and adult responsibilities. They may fully embody their younger self at home while successfully maintaining careers, relationships, and social functioning.

Role-Being vs. Dissociation: Important Clinical Distinctions

An essential clinical consideration is distinguishing between role-being as an identity expression and dissociative experiences. While there may be some surface similarities, the underlying psychological mechanisms and clinical implications differ significantly.

Key Distinctions:

1. Awareness and integration: Those experiencing role-being generally maintain awareness of their different self-expressions and can navigate between them intentionally, even if one feels more authentic. This differs from dissociative experiences characterized by memory gaps or lack of awareness.

2. Control over transitions: Age players who identify with role-being typically maintain some degree of control over when they express different aspects of themselves, though they may feel most comfortable in their age identity. In dissociative experiences, transitions may be involuntary or triggered by stress.

3. Recognition of adult responsibilities: Even those who experience their age identity as core self typically acknowledge their adult responsibilities and can fulfill them, even if they experience this as "putting on a costume" to navigate the world.

4. Distress patterns: Role-being itself isn't inherently distressing (though societal stigma may cause secondary distress), whereas dissociative experiences often emerge from traumatic experiences and may involve intrinsic distress.

When a client describes experiences that might suggest significant dissociation, assessment for trauma history and dissociative symptoms becomes important. However, clinicians should avoid assuming that all deep experiences of age identity indicate a dissociative disorder.

Consent Considerations in Role-Being

Lee Harrington raised an important ethical consideration related to role-being: the question of consent when role-being involves regression or dissociation. If someone's partner expects to engage with an adult who is role-playing a younger age, but instead interacts with someone who has regressed to a child-like state, questions arise about the nature of consent in that interaction.

Some age play community members who experience aspects of dissociation or regression address this by:

1. Clear disclosure during negotiation about the nature of their experience

2. Establishing boundaries around sexual activity during states of regression

3. Creating specific protocols for transitions between states

4. Using indicators to communicate which "state" they are currently experiencing

Therapists working with clients who experience role-being with elements of regression may find it beneficial to explore these consent dynamics, helping clients develop ethical frameworks for their relationships.

Cultural Considerations and Intersectionality

The expression and experience of role-being versus role-playing can be significantly influenced by cultural factors and intersecting identities. Harrington emphasized the importance of recognizing how these factors shape a client's experience:

• Cultural attitudes toward age: Different cultural backgrounds may influence how clients understand and express age-based identities.

• Gender expectations: Gender norms can significantly impact how age identity is expressed and received. For example, cisgender men may face different stigma for age play than cisgender women.

• Race and ethnicity: As Harrington noted, people of the global majority may experience age play differently than white individuals due to both historical and ongoing racial dynamics.

• Disability status: For clients with disabilities that affect cognitive functioning or who require care assistance, age play dynamics may have different implications.

• Socioeconomic factors: Access to private space, resources for age play items, and community involvement are all influenced by economic factors.

These intersecting factors may influence not only how clients experience age play but also how they discuss it in therapy and what concerns may arise for them.

Therapeutic Approaches for Role-Being Clients

For clients who experience age play as core identity (role-being), several therapeutic approaches may be particularly beneficial:

Acceptance and Integration Work

Rather than challenging the client's experience of self, focus on:

• Accepting diverse expressions of identity

• Integrating different aspects of self in healthy ways

• Finding congruence between internal experience and external expression

• Building self-acceptance and reducing internalized shame

Narrative Approaches

Help clients develop coherent narratives about their identity that incorporate:

• Their understanding of how their age identity developed

• The meaning and value this identity brings to their life

• How they navigate between different aspects of self

• Their vision for an authentic, integrated future

Community Connection

Support clients in finding appropriate community connections:

• Age play or adult baby communities where their experience is normalized

• Support groups for identity exploration

• Online communities that provide validation and understanding

• Partners who understand and respect their identity

Practical Life Skills

For clients struggling with the practical aspects of role-being:

• Developing strategies for meeting adult responsibilities while honoring identity

• Creating appropriate boundaries between identity expression and professional life

• Building relationships that support authentic self-expression

• Navigating disclosure decisions in various contexts

Conclusion: Beyond Pathology to Understanding

The distinction between role-playing and role-being represents a fundamental aspect of age play that shapes appropriate clinical response. While traditional clinical approaches might pathologize deep identification with age-based identities, a more nuanced understanding recognizes the rich diversity of human identity and expression.

By recognizing where clients fall on the spectrum from occasional role-play to core identity, therapists can provide more effective, affirming care that addresses any legitimate clinical concerns while respecting the client's experience of self. Rather than assuming that deep identification with an age identity is inherently problematic, the focus shifts to supporting healthy integration, functioning, and self-acceptance.

As with other aspects of identity that may differ from societal norms, the goal becomes supporting clients in living authentic, meaningful lives that honor their sense of self while navigating practical realities. By understanding the difference between role-playing and role-being, therapists are better equipped to provide the specific support each client needs—whether that's addressing related issues for those who engage in occasional age play or supporting healthy identity integration for those who experience age identity as core to who they are.

The key clinical question shifts from "How do we change this unusual identity?" to "How do we support this person in living authentically while addressing any functional challenges they face?" This shift reflects a broader movement in mental health care that recognizes human diversity rather than pathologizing difference—a movement that creates more effective, affirming therapeutic relationships for clients across the identity spectrum.

Continue Your Professional Development

This article presents just a portion of the insights available in Lee Harrington's comprehensive workshop. Mental health professionals seeking to expand their clinical competence in working with age play and other alternative sexuality expressions are encouraged to:

1. Access the complete workshop recording: The full 2-hour training includes additional case examples, intervention strategies, and Q&A with Lee Harrington. Purchase the recording here.

2. Join our upcoming workshops: Our continuing education series for therapists covers a range of alternative sexuality topics with expert presenters. The next workshop, "Understanding Kink and Spirituality," will be held on 3/15/25 at 12pm-2pm ET. Register now to secure your spot.

3. Download our free clinical guide: "The Disclosure Moment: What to Say (And Not Say) When Clients Share Kink Identities" - this practical resource provides specific language and approaches to use when clients first disclose kink interests or identities.

4. Stay informed: Join our mailing list to receive updates on future workshops, resources, and insights for therapists working with diverse expressions of sexuality and identity.

Expanding your knowledge in these specialized areas not only enhances your clinical effectiveness but also positions you as a resource for clients who may otherwise struggle to find knowledgeable, accepting care.